The Lotus

By: Cristian

I personally knew in life I would always fail. I was just waiting until my death day. I know this is not a good way to start my story with a depressing beginning but it’s how I feel on the inside. Let me start again. My name is not important but am a young adult that feels like I’ve missed out on so much in life or so I thought.

As a young teen, I’d always felt like the outcast; not having any friends or being close to anyone. In grade school I was always told what to do, and I strived to be a success in all I did. Yeah, I had the cheaters who would be “friends” with me just to get the answers in the back of the book. I tried guitar, karate, and theatre thinking it would get me friends but nothing. Most days I would just be waiting the time away or buying unnecessary things to just fill the void. 

I would always guess that I was the problem in all of this, and I knew not to ask my parents for advice. My mother would always say it’s my fault I was alone. Imagine being a teen and having your mother tell you that? That just made me feel worse. No self-esteem or self-confidence and seeing your sister always going out and having the life you wanted with friends killed me deep down. No matter what I did I always felt I didn’t belong, and I was destined to be considered handicapped for the rest of my years. Maybe I was the problem. Nobody wanted me, and I was destined to live life alone. 

Once college hit, I was excited for a new beginning and to live in dorms. But it would be the same rotation of loneliness as before. My roommates would ignore me and go out together, nobody in class wanted to be friends with me, and I was beginning to start failing before I even started. I thought to get the most out of this new adventure entitled college I needed to push myself to my limits to succeed. No friends and now starting to feel like I didn’t belong. My depression started. I gave up. I figured what’s the point in all this. The teachers I thought I could trust stabbed me in the back. I was all alone.

After being suspended and feeling like I failed at life. My parents “suggested” and made me feel pressured I needed to continue my education elsewhere. But what I needed was a break, but no one could’ve helped me realize that. I was putting way too much pressure on myself to succeed in life. I went on to a community college and I struggled part time to get my classes done. And within that time, I wrecked my car, I’d let you imagine how low I was feeling. No car, no friends, family seeming distant…. Then I found my one happy place, it was a coffee bar where I met friends and was starting to accept myself as I was, I felt happy there for the first time in my life. I was exercising more, eating healthier, and trying to go out more.

But of course, my parents stepped in and forced me to move because they were being too overly controlling again. I was forced to move closer to them and that’s when things started to get dark, and I began drinking at home to cope with the loneliness. I felt my life was out of control and I had nowhere and no one to turn to. 

Am in the same place but now I realize no one, especially in my family can really change and I am trapped in this isolated, sad life forever. I try everyday to self improve and drink less, but it feels like nothing will ever really change.

I have dreams for the future, but I will always have to remember they are just dreams I can never reach. 

Life is a struggle and I feel stuck in this rotation forever. 

Wish I could have a hard restart or reset. If only that were a possibility in life….

Maybe I am meant to be all alone…